Allow Me to Enlighten You About Some Men’s Bad Choices

I have long been flabbergasted by the bad choices made by men in high places. I can’t figure this one out, and none of the explanations offered by psychologists, political analysts, or my male friends clears it up for me. My first knowledge of this phenomenon and subsequent letdown came with leaks of an affair between President John Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe. Our family loved John and Jacqueline. Confused me, but almost killed my Catholic mother.

Rachel Maddow brought up John Edwards on her TV show last week. He is being criminally prosecuted for what boils down to using $900,000 of campaign donations to take care of his pregnant girlfriend and keep her in seclusion. While the focus of this particular piece was on why Edwards was singled out for prosecution, Maddow took time to review his actions during the campaign. It would shame a soap opera. He cheated, he lied (albeit in a soft southern drawl); he schemed, and he lied some more. All while his wife was losing her hair to chemotherapy. 

The latest salacious news story revolves around Colombian prostitutes and secret service agents, with a few military personnel thrown in the mix. And I mean mix literally. Two agents allegedly shared one prostitute in their hotel room, and then caused a big ruckus over her fee, prompting the police to be called in. She asked for sixty dollars, the price for two clients, and I guess they felt they deserved a twofer one deal. 

I could bore, or possibly titillate you, with scores of similar stories of men on both sides of the political aisle, sports figures, and business gurus. But I won’t because you’re well aware of these capers, I’m sure. Nor am I going to focus on women who have made news for similar bad choices. They are far fewer in number and I challenge you to come up with a list off the top of your head. I can think of one – Mary Kay Letourneau. She had two children with her victim, and after spending years in jail, married him and is now raising all three of them.   

I’m also not interested in discussing the moral or legal issues surrounding these actions. I’m going to focus here on male anatomy and what transpires physiologically when men are given the opportunity to participate in an imprudent sexual situation. I have to be honest; I don’t know much about the male anatomy. I’m a fainter so I didn’t do any medical research beyond Wikipedia for this post. But I have good common sense, and I know that something pretty serious must happen to a man to make him believe that, should he become president, he could hide a second family in the White House, big as it is. Or for men who guard other men in high places to think that Colombian hookers won’t throw a loud and public tizzy-fit if they don’t get fairly paid. 

Here’s my theory: What little anatomical knowledge I do have includes the understanding that there are big changes that occur within a man’s circulatory system when he’s aroused. I used to think that this business of blood flowing rapidly to the lower regions during this time somehow caused numbing of the brain, hence a lapse in judgment. But I think it goes further than that. Wikipedia tells me that the nervous system is also involved, and refers to the spinal column specifically. If you haven’t figured it out by now, let me explain. Some men, during sexual stimulation, become temporarily paralyzed from the, well, a few inches below the waist down. They are able to perform, but are physically unable to leave the situation until matters are “resolved” and the body returns to normal; they literally can’t walk away. It’s not a matter of stupidity, but ambulation. 

You’re welcome.